Christian's Life Journal $ ! *

So I got diagnosed awhile ago now, and it explains so much, and I'm glad I'm not alone anymore. But my family's attitude hasn't changed. I'm still at the. bottom of the foodchain. There's three kids, I'm the oldest, but that's a joke. The two younger ones (they're not very much younger than I am) constantly gang up on me. Constantly. Sometimes I think I get it and they really are 'joking around' as they put it, but a lot of the time, when I'm really aspie ing out and it's been a long, touchy, social day, it's the last straw, and I beg, plead, for them to stop, but they get closer, and poke me, and ridicule me further I stutter through an explanation for my behavior, and they make fun of my explanation then. Anything weird and aspie that I do, they have to make fun of it. And then at dinner it's the whole family making fun of my tendencies. Maybe they are just 'joking around', but I don't think so. I'm the least able to defend myself, so they go for me first. When I was younger and it happened I would just run upstairs and slam the door to my room, nothing else works. Sometimes I feel the joking around vibe and I laugh at myself too, but mostly not (I'm a sensitive soul) and it's just a constant barrage of crap from all sides of the table. I try, these days, to verbally stop the harrassment (I thought the meaning of 'leave me alone' was obvious), but days like these, when it's already been too much, babysitting my wild cousin, and it's been all social and touchy (it's the holidays) I couldn't talk myself away from it (not that I ever really can), and it just escalated and got worse until I ran up to my room and slammed the door. At least now that I'm 21, I can sneak a beer upstairs with me. /end rant

"Kim Peek, the autistic savant who inspired the Oscar-winning film Rain Man, has died, aged 58."

I'm probably going to tick some people off posting this, but that's fine- I honestly want to start a discussion and see what others think.

Has anyone ever had the impression that we, as Aspies on the autistic spectrum, have a certain level of privilege, that we sometimes forget when talking about autistics?

Now to preface this: I am not trying to discredit any Aspies involved with autistic rights, or discredit any aspies in positions of leadership in autistic rights movements. I feel that fighting for autistic rights is the responsibility of all with autism and/or their allies, regardless of where they fall on the spectrum.

However, I also think that sometimes Aspies have a tendency to try and speak for all on the spectrum and assume that our experiences are the experiences of other autistics on the spectrum. While I find the actions of Autism Speaks, Generation Rescue, etc deplorable, I cringe a little whenever I see someone with AS saying "living with autism isn't that bad, I deal with it all the time." Our experiences, in where we are in the spectrum, are not the experiences of others, and by speaking for others on the spectrum, we are essentially doing the same thing as Autism Speaks does so often. Being an ally is good, and in fact necessary; however falling into the trap of thinking all autistics share an experience is a common mistake, but one I think the Asperger's community as a whole needs to become more conscious of.

I recently had an experience with this that prompted me to make this post. I have a friend with severe HFA and a few disorders along with it, and she was talking about how she would probably end up living with her parents all her life. I suggested she try vocational rehabilitation, since it's been a great help to me. She grew angry, pointing out that she couldn't handle it. I continued to say "you can get the help you need" which upset her. I realized that I had privilege she lacked honestly- it's much easier for someone who's just Asperger's like me to adapt, since I've done it all my life, and to tell her she should too is hurtful.

In short, I know that the reason many Aspies are at the forefront of the autistic rights movement is due to the skills Aspies have being excellent skills for those involved in causes and leadership, and I'm fine with that, and think it's fantastic that there are more and more groups like ASAN starting to provide a more evenhanded voice for autism. However, I do think that we as Aspies need to check our privilege at times before speaking and realize that autism is a whole spectrum, and the spectrum of autism is also a spectrum of experiences.

Any thoughts?

Given the general autistic trend towards high anesthesia tolerance and the general weirdness we may or may not have with any mood-altering substance (e.g. dairy makes me drunk), I was wondering if any autistics here are regular users of Kava... not the pills, but the actual south-pacific turn-the-lights-low root beverage. Given my ever-increasing levels of stress and the fact that I feel like I am just one or two steps away from the fabled mid-30's autistic crash, I have made a 2010 new years resolution to drink Kava every night. I was wondering if any others here had any tips, tricks or advice. Thank you.

Edit: No advice will be considered too elemental. For example, having a sweet juice as a chaser is a good recommendation. To pour that juice out of the glass bottle to avoid hitting one's incisors with the bottle due to the lack of coordination is something that common sense would dictate, but I have very little common sense. I have a high degree of uncommon sense, which can be very useful at times.

A young Jewish autistic is about to be Bar Mitzvah-ed, that is, celebrate his coming of age at 13, Usually, the child reads from the Torah (Bible) in Hebrew and often delivers a sermon. The youngster in question however is non verbal. The dilemma: how to perform a significant ceremony. The solution: the congregation leaves the synagogue, all but nine. Since ten adults are required for a number of important prayers, the young man will be the one to make the tenth, thus acknowloging his becoming a grown up. Then everyone comes back. It seems like a good idea to me.

This is what I wrote a long time ago, but it still shows how ADD feels to me when I am at my most frustrated, lowest point. Wanted to know if anyone else feels this way sometimes. Warning - not a happy poem.

Pieces Of Patchwork

I just got officially diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome by my new psychologist. I've been seeing her mostly to get some help with getting a job. Today she brought Asperger's up to me. She took the DSM-IV off the shelf and started reading off the traits and asked if it sounded like traits I have. I was saying "yes" to them until eventually I just said I knew what she was talking about. Then she later told me "This is what you have. This is your diagnosis." I was surprised because out of all the therapists I had, no one ever figured it out, but I never brought it up either. I feel like it's probably a good thing now I've been officially diagnosed, even though I've known it all along. It feels like I don't have to wonder about it anymore.

I have a very difficult time recognizing face, but also, while I've learned to read faces due to repetition, I've come to a rather startling realization. Which made me ask this:

How many aspie people actually have their *own* way of facial expression, which is radically different from NT body language? How many times does this cause greatly negative problems for AS people in an NT situation? Even more so, I've noticed that I can read the body language of ADHD or AS people much intuitively better than NTs. Might there be something to that?

The reason I started thinking about this:
Many of *my* facial expressions for certain emotions are ones which NTs read as extremely *different* from what I'm trying to express. This often results in them getting the wrong 'message', and often becoming angry. I believe this also results in them viewing me as too complex of an individual.

Example: I learned last weekend that the 'universal lip curl', where one side of the face/cheek curls up, expresses contempt to NTs, and supposedly *most* people across the world understand this facial expression.

I use the exact same facial expression, but not to express contempt. I use it to express the fact that i'm *unsure* of something - usually involving a fact that someone else asserts - and therefore I do not have extreme feelings on the matter, other than being deeply unsure. this explains why other people often become irritated when i make that facial expression, and then tell them that i'm not sure as to whether they are correct in the matter. They might even see me as being patronizing and arrogant.

I'm sure I have many other 'incorrect' facial expressions.

It's really awkward when someone drags you to an event "for your own good" that is crowded and very loud with no one you know, and while you're standing to the side, quietly minding your own business, one of the event volunteers comes up to ask if you're all right, because "you look kind of lonely." You can't really say that no, you're not doing well and you feel like you're about to cry because the nosie and crowd are so bad, because the volunteer can't do anything about it, and it would embarrass the person who dragged you along (in this case, your mother who insists that you go to the event to "network" and meet people to further your attempts at finding a job), and you can't really say that you're fine, because you're not - you're clearly about to cry or have a meltdown of some kind, and you've been standing more or less in the same position with your fists under your arms and rocking on your heels for the last half hour without talking to a single person.



This is what happened to me tonight. I did end up crying at one point, but my sister found my coat for me and I went outside and the briskly chill air helped the tears a bit. I also drank two cups of wine, which made things worse.

I'd been dreading this event all week, ever since my mom told me in no uncertain terms that she had bought tickets for the family and we were all going. It was at the museum of contemporary art, which is this giant box of a building, so there wasn't any place free from noise, not even the elevator (which at least muted it a bit). There was a live band playing covers of rock and blues songs. I'm glad that I could see my old art teacher's pieces, though (my former university mostly owns the MOCA and there's a gallery currently dedicated to the art faculty right now). It made me happy, because I love my old art teacher and her pieces were lovely. It also inspired me to finish some of my paintings, which I keep meaning to do, but never quite get around to.

But I wish I hadn't gone. It was a miserable experience and now my head hurts and my eyes hurt and I want to either hit someone or cuddle my dog (who I don't live with anymore, and anyway is suffering from ticks).